Now What? How Do We Manage Arousal In Our Space?
Parents have been reporting higher anxiety and arousal in our community. Recently, I had a young boy drop-in who was refusing to go to school. The parent reported serious and “violent” aggression and meltdowns. It had been weeks since he last attended his Grade 2 class. The boy was quiet, small and pale on arrival. After about 40 minutes of playing and meeting with dad, the boy began pacing…quickly. He announced that he was bored, looked at our snacks and was not pleased. I suggested that we transition downstairs and recommended to dad that it was a good time to break so that they could continue to lunch. Boots on, coat on, great! Then, “I don’t want to go, I want to keep playing.” From reviewing his history earlier, I knew that there was little interoceptive awareness for this child: some children don’t have awareness of the experiences going on inside their bodies, which has strong implications for regulation. At this point I knew that he would not be able to “take a breath” “take a pause” or “stop an angry feeling”. Providing an incentive was not an option in my mind, as I felt the shift in this boy. Dad tried though, “Lets go get a treat!” Refusal. Many children I work with tell me that they don’t know the sensations inside of them, they don’t know how to label these uncomfortable sensations or feelings. Frustration and tension is hard to feel or understand. If you don’t have these sensations or awareness, how do you regulate?
The boy quickly ran into our yoga room, there was a large purple yoga ball in the corner. He began shouting and rolling on the ball, dropping to the floor, trying to throw the ball high enough to hit the ceiling lights. Dad was at a loss and feeling uneasy as other parents began arriving in an attached room. I saw and felt what was happening…now what? I closed the door to give us privacy. We are lucky, it is a small community and our space is a small house. Families can wander up and downstairs- children can find spaces while waiting that feel comfortable to them. I knew anyone who was waiting would be okay. In the yoga room, I watched, waited and occasionally tried to approach the boy, he avoided me. He ran from corner to corner and began whipping the ball at dad. I sat down in the middle of the room. Dad tried to approach his son to take the ball, his son was too fast. This quickly switched to dad shouting “Stop it now”. The reactivity dance had begun.
There isn’t a specific tool box for this specific situation, there are individual differences we have to appreciate. The child, the dance is too quick, it shifts at a pace that a “tool” may lose meaning from second to second. You may feel like you’re grasping at strategies, from tool to tool, that ultimately are ineffective and do not resonate with the changing dynamics. Now what? “I want to play too”, I said. I stood up and grabbed a smaller ball and began throwing it against the wall, hard and fast. I wanted to match his energy. The boy shifted from throwing the ball at dad and began rolling on the ball again. “I wish I had a bigger ball,” I said out loud. Would he join me? Eventually, the boy rolled the bigger ball towards me and I rolled the small one to him. He threw the small ball at dad again. “Hey throw the ball to me too!” He did. “Let’s sit far apart and roll both balls between us and keep it going.” I needed to feel the floor, and knew this would feel grounding to him as well. We sat. He laughed, I laughed. After a few rolls back and forth, I held both balls. I stopped, waited and sighed. I then slowly and quietly remarked, “I’m hungry and thirsty.” Pause. Dad took the cue, “Come, I’m hungry too.” He told his son to put his coat back on. I suggested quietly it was warm outside and maybe dad could carry his coat-dad wanted some compliance still, I felt this. They transitioned out after a brief discussion of where they would eat.
Can you be comfortable in dysregulation? Can you enter the space of arousal, with the child? Can you drop your own rigidity about appropriate behaviour and understand the child’s social and emotional capacity in that second or moment? Can you shift, using yourself, not a specific tool?
It’s not easy, sometimes it feels overwhelming and challenging. It is visceral, how we feel being with another. We have to know ourselves, and what may be triggered in our memories and our unconscious experiences. Parents, educators, therapist must be ready to attend to all of this. I do believe and have seen over the years, that joining in the arousal, calmly and regulated can switch the reactivity dance and can support the child’s regulation.
To learn more, drop in, pick up a resource and have a chat with us and other parents. Self-Reg Schools: A Handbook For Educators (Drs.Shanker and Hopkins) is a great start for understanding self-regulation. We have other books that help us understand states, mood and anxiety. We look forward to seeing you.
Dr Laura Cesaroni
FERN Family Education Resource Network